Forgiveness and the Atonement – Kung Fu Panda 2 style

This last week, I’ve thought over and over about forgiveness and the atonement. I’ve always been taught that the atonement brings peace, whether you’re repenting of sins, or needing comfort for any reason. But I know that the mental and emotional scars from being raped will never go away.

I used to love sitting in silence and dreaming up stories to tell. Sometimes I would write them down as I thought of them and it thrilled me to create something new. I loved to share my stories with my sister. Some days, we would stay up late giggling and reading from my story notebooks. Smart phones and facebook were not really part of my life. My spare time was spent with a notebook and pencil. Sometimes, I’d even practice drawing. I was getting pretty good at it before Kameron.

Now, I can’t sit in silence without inevitably thinking about the past. As I’ve been driving to and from school lately, I find myself thinking about all the times I was assaulted and raped and I always think “I hope he goes to hell and suffers for eternity.” I can’t write my stories or draw without triggering memories of Kameron. In fact, I haven’t finished a drawing since I was dating Kameron. 

I get so frustrated when I try to start doing these things that I used to love. I avoid sitting in silence and being left to my own thoughts by constantly having my phone out and facebook pulled up. I used to think I was addicted to facebook but have since realized I’m defending myself from drowning in my memories. I don’t feel like I’ve found peace.

I spent Sunday trying to figure out how I could forgive and find peace. I wrote down my questions regarding the atonement and forgiveness. How do you forgive someone for something that continues to affect you every day and will never fully heal? How do you use the atonement to find peace for something you will never have peace from? Is it more about making peace with the fact that you will never be healed from the mental and emotional wounds? Do I need to wait for Christ to come and teach me how to truly forgive and find peace? Will I find peace in this life? While I still don’t know all the answers, I feel like I’m getting closer.

A friend reminded me about Kung Fu Panda 2, which is all about Po’s search for inner peace.  In the movie, the villain, a peacock, thinks that Po will not be able to defeat him because Po will never find inner peace because his emotional scars are too deep. But Po finds inner peace anyways by coming to terms with the fact that he is scarred and that’s ok. I think that is how the atonement applies to me.

In terms of my journey to heal, the atonement is there to help me remember that I will be whole – someday. That in the meantime, I can find peace in knowing that my reality is a scarred reality and it’s ok. I can find peace in knowing that my experiences help shape who I am and I can be better for it, even when it tortures me. Forgiveness might even come in time. I can become acquainted with myself and learn what new things I enjoy doing now to replace my old hobbies. (Something new I’ve discovered – I love lifting weights!) And if I can find inner peace and catch water droplets and let them roll off me into a stream like Po can, then that’s all the more awesome.  

The never before told story of how KC and I started dating and got engaged or Why Kc is the freakin’ love of my life

I have always told a much-edited version of how KC and I got engaged. Much edited. Because of this, I’m sure it was never clear to anyone why the way he proposed was the perfect way. The story I’ve told goes something like this.

I was in town visiting KC in July. We’d been dating for 2 months. He planned a fun date heading up to scout camp for the last flag ceremony (I think that’s what it was. My memory on that is a little hazy.) After everything was over, we headed home and got to talking about stuff. We got back to my parents and decided to keep talking out on the lawn on a blanket. The moment felt right and he whispered to me, asking me to marry him. I wasn’t sure I heard him right and made him repeat the question. I grinned and said yes. Here we are today.

Obviously, this story is missing the details regarding why the moment felt right. Here’s a hint. It wasn’t because “romance” or whatever. But I should back up to when we started dating.

Now, I’m going to skip a lot of details because otherwise this story would be a freaking novel. Suffice to say that we went out on two dates in two days, then I bugged him until he came over to hang out with my family the third day, a Sunday. At this point, I knew I liked him, but thanks to freaking chastity lessons (used up gum/licked twinkie lessons, “no one will want you” kind of things), I felt that I had to disclose parts of my past so that he could make an informed decision. (I wish I had known that NOBODY has any business knowing my sexual history if I don't want them to know.) So, I shared with him that I had had sex with an ex-boyfriend in the past. He didn’t care at all and we started dating. As he was leaving that night, he asked permission to kiss me. That was my first hint that I had made the right choice in choosing to date him. Later that week, he asked permission to hold my hand.

I have been more open about my story in the last year, but in case you somehow missed it, let me add a few things right here. I was raped many many times by an ex-boyfriend, Kameron. It started out with a lack of affirmative consent, but when I finally started to fight back and say no, he forcibly held me down and raped me. After that relationship, I felt broken and unlovable. This was made worse by all my next boyfriends, who, upon me disclosing my sexual past (though I didn’t realize that it was rape yet, so all they knew was that I had had sex), would all push my boundaries and touch my breasts and vagina. They never asked permission and I didn’t know I could say no, nor did I know that it was sexual assault. I always felt violated but I thought it must have been my fault somehow.

KC asked permission before even kissing me, even though we were officially dating. Knowing that I wasn’t a virgin, he never once pushed my boundaries or made me uncomfortable. Two months into our relationship, I was starting to realize that I had been raped before. On the ride down the mountain the night we got engaged, I broke down crying and told KC about the rape and abuse I experienced during the last month of my relationship with Kameron. I realized just this weekend that I broke down crying and told KC about it because I knew I could trust him. I knew I could be vulnerable and he would never take advantage of it. Sitting on the blanket outside my parents’ home, I felt like I was starting to be whole again. That was the moment KC surprised us both by proposing. He knew it was the right moment and he went for it.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without KC. I am healing because he has shown me what a relationship should be like. He encourages me to make myself happy. He pushes me to succeed in my goals and dreams in life. He reassures me when I'm doubting myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. I have changed so much since I started dating him. I have become who I’ve always wanted to be.

KC's Awesome

It's been a long while since I posted on here last. A lot has happened. My last post was in May, talking about May. Well, in May I started dating KC. Come July, we got engaged. December 15, we were sealed in the temple. May of last year started something I never suspected.

And being married is awesome! KC is constantly doing things for me to make sure I'm happy. When I'm tired and thus grumpy, he does what he can to make me laugh. And always succeeds. How could I not laugh and be happy around him? He makes sure I know he loves me.

Every Saturday, we make a trip to the store for groceries. While we were there, KC disappeared for a few minutes. I didn't worry about it. He does that a lot. He came back with several different spices. From that time on, he was freaking out with excitement wanting to make chicken tikka masala. He finally made it last night and let me tell you, IT WAS DELICIOUS. Sadly, it was past 10 when he finished making it and by then I just wanted to go to bed. I only had a bite of it to taste it. But I hope he makes it again soon!

He cooks! Isn't that great? I knew that before we got married, but it really is absolutely divine to not be the only one who knows how to cook more than just macaroni and cheese. (I mean from a box. My family knows I have trouble making mac and cheese from scratch... Oi!)

But before this post gets really long and, as I'm sure it already is, boring to everyone but me, I will end by saying "KC is awesome!" If you don't believe me, come visit sometime. I'll show you his "Awesome Jar".

~Rose

May Adventures

In my last post, I said that I'm always excited for May, even when nothing exciting happens. Well, lots of exciting things have already happened and the month isn't even over yet.

I'm back in Salt Lake after visiting Vernal! Yay. I miss Vernal already. That's where my home is. Almost all of my friends are there.

I went shooting with my brother and my little sisters while I was in town. That was fun! I shot my new .38 special, which I named Sexy. Then Josh had me shoot his 7mm mag. Whoops. I think I should have been even more careful before shooting it. My shoulder was fine but my nose... Well, I'm grateful I didn't get a black eye. I did have a nice little headache for a few days though. Still, after that I was much more willing to shoot any of the other guns because I knew the kick wouldn't be as bad.

And it's such beautiful weather outside! I spent several hours yesterday hanging out with my brother and a bunch of friends outside under a tree. It was awesome! We got to watch the solar eclipse. That was pretty much awesome. I think today I'll spend a bit more time outside just because it was so much fun. Maybe even go for a nice long walk.

But I wish I was in Vernal. I miss that place. I miss growing a garden with my mom. I miss digging around in the dirt and doing yard work. I feel like I'm getting lazy out in college. That's good news for my mom, since it means that when I'm home, I'll work outside for her but I want to be able to do that right now.

I guess that's enough rambling for today. I think May has become my month.

~Rose

May is here!

I don't know what it is about May, but I love it. Last year, I kept saying that something good was going to happen in May. It was mostly because I was really excited to eat some delicious fruit and to have classes be over and summer to begin.

Let's just say not much has changed.

I'm still way excited for this month. Sadly, every passing month means I am getting older and therefore "more mature" but this year it also means 6 MORE MONTHS UNTIL I TURN 21!!!! That means I get to take the concealed carry class and buy LOTS of pistols, as much as I have money for (which isn't much) and have slightly more freedom with that. No more walking along campus scared that I won't be able to defend myself.

But anyways, May is here. And with it, the start of an epic summer. I have a feeling this summer will be amazing. My best friend will go on a mission, hopefully I'll find a second job and I get to go to the lake! That's what I'm most excited for, going to the lake before Don goes on his mission. And I get to come home and visit for a couple weeks, starting Saturday!

I have been looking forward to this two week vacation home for quite some time. Hopefully, two weeks is enough time to visit with all of my friends. If not, well, some of them will have to come visit me! Becca, you still should come out to the U for school, whenever you come. And Rachael? Don't you dare buy a house before I do. That wouldn't be fair...

Speaking of Becca and Rachael, we are going to have to plan a few ROFL nights with sparkling cider and everything. And Ali and Rachael both need to come stay with me for a week this summer. See? I've got so much planned for this summer. It's going to be a blast!!! 

Whatever happens, I will have an amazing summer. Let's hope all of you do too. I wouldn't want anyone to get jealous, after all.

~Rose

Men and Dating Series 1 Episode 15

My Final Thoughts (For Now) -

I've come to realize lately that I might be slightly bitter when it comes to dating. I haven't really had any great experiences with it and haven't had the man of my dreams sweep me off my feet. But the one thing that never changes is that I pick myself up off the ground (greatly relying on other people) and I move on.

There are going to be failed relationships or even crushes that just don't turn into relationships. There are going to be bad days, bad weeks and bad people in general. It doesn't matter. There will be someone someday who will be the perfect match for you and will "complete" you.

That doesn't mean there's "The One". That just means there is always hope. There is always faith. I've seen lots of people who haven't gotten married until they were in their thirties or forties or older. But they are happy. They find the person they love and they are always grateful they waited.

When bad things happen, we need to let them go and move on. In some cases, we might need to completely eject someone from our lives. But then it's time to learn your lessons, forget the bad memories and move on.

Go out, have fun, be yourself. If you're in high school or haven't gone on a mission yet, DON'T STEADY DATE. It makes life so much more complicated than it needs to be. I regret having a boyfriend in high school, partially because I was betraying my own promises to myself by doing so. Don't date someone who's about to go on a mission. That can easily lead to heartbreak for both parties.

But most importantly, turn to the Lord. Listen to what He wants you to do and DO IT. He won't guide you wrong.

Go to the temple. Do baptisms for the dead. Have questions in mind and ask Heavenly Father for the answers to come. Ask for His help.

Remember to keep the Big Picture in mind. Let temporal things stay temporal and eternal things stay eternal.

And have a fantastic life.
Allons-y!

~Rose

Men and Dating - Series 1 Episode 14

Engagements -

I have to admit, Marriage and Engagements are two topics I’ve been avoiding blogging about. I can’t say I’m an expert on engagements just because I was engaged once upon a time. However, I still have my opinion on the matter and that’s what you’re going to get.

I think two people should get engaged when they have spent the time to get to know each other and have become best friends. Maybe I’m weird, as my roommates and my family and my friends and strangers have all told me, but I want my husband to be my best friend. What fun is it going to be if we aren’t? Anyways, an engagement should be about two people who love each other and know that they don’t want to be with anyone else or date anyone else. Basically, they need to be ready to settle down with one person. (I am using the phrase “settle down” quite loosely. For some people, “settling down” with a person is more like “Just getting started with a wildly amazing life!” That’s going to be me.)

If you're already engaged, don’t be “en-gagged”. Show affection for each other, DUH, but I don’t think an engagement should be all about being touchy-feely. See, there I go referring back to a previous post. It still applies after you’re engaged. I just don’t think it’s really love if you have to constantly be touching and kissing and cuddling. Marriage can be exciting but the mindset shouldn't be "Oh my gosh, I can't stand not being with him. If we don't get married soon, we're going to get into some 'trouble'." That really is just asking for trouble. Calm down and remember it's for eternity. You'll have all the time in the world plus some to be married so enjoy your time before then. You'll never get it back.

That being said, there are some couples I think are absolutely perfect for each other because they show their affection in their actions rather than by being touchy-feely. Those are the couples that I look at and think “Come on man, just go ahead and propose! She’s perfect for you!” These couples are the ones I see going out and having adventures with each other. They aren’t afraid to tease the other person. They might cuddle a little bit, but it’s in a cute, almost shy sort of way. Mostly they just act like best friends.

I absolutely love the stories where a guy and girl know each other for years and are good friends. Then, when they’re both grown up, one of them looks at the other and realizes he or she never wants to part with their dear friend. It’s always such a cute story and because they were friends first, they know each other and trust each other. Sure, they have their disagreements but every friendship does. Those are the strongest relationships.

So, seriously, be friends first and “lovers” second.
And have adventures. Those are best.

~Rose