This last week, I’ve thought over and over about forgiveness
and the atonement. I’ve always been taught that the atonement brings peace,
whether you’re repenting of sins, or needing comfort for any reason. But I know
that the mental and emotional scars from being raped will never go away.
I used to love sitting in silence and dreaming up stories to
tell. Sometimes I would write them down as I thought of them and it thrilled me
to create something new. I loved to share my stories with my sister. Some days, we would stay up late giggling and reading from my story notebooks. Smart phones and facebook were not really part of my
life. My spare time was spent with a notebook and pencil. Sometimes, I’d even
practice drawing. I was getting pretty good at it before Kameron.
Now, I can’t sit in silence without inevitably thinking about
the past. As I’ve been driving to and from school lately, I find myself thinking
about all the times I was assaulted and raped and I always think “I hope he
goes to hell and suffers for eternity.” I can’t write my stories or draw
without triggering memories of Kameron. In fact, I haven’t finished a drawing
since I was dating Kameron.
I get so frustrated when I try to start doing these
things that I used to love. I avoid sitting in silence and being left to my own
thoughts by constantly having my phone out and facebook pulled up. I used to
think I was addicted to facebook but have since realized I’m defending myself
from drowning in my memories. I don’t feel like I’ve found peace.
I spent Sunday trying to figure out how I could forgive and
find peace. I wrote down my questions regarding the atonement and forgiveness.
How do you forgive someone for something that continues to affect you every day
and will never fully heal? How do you use the atonement to find peace for
something you will never have peace from? Is it more about making peace with
the fact that you will never be healed from the mental and emotional wounds? Do
I need to wait for Christ to come and teach me how to truly forgive and find
peace? Will I find peace in this life? While I still don’t know all the
answers, I feel like I’m getting closer.
A friend reminded me about Kung Fu Panda 2, which is all
about Po’s search for inner peace. In the movie, the villain, a peacock,
thinks that Po will not be able to defeat him because Po will never find inner
peace because his emotional scars are too deep. But Po finds inner peace
anyways by coming to terms with the fact that he is scarred and that’s ok. I think that is how the atonement applies to me.
In terms of my journey to heal, the atonement is there to
help me remember that I will be whole – someday. That in the meantime, I can
find peace in knowing that my reality is a scarred reality and it’s ok. I can
find peace in knowing that my experiences help shape who I am and I can be
better for it, even when it tortures me. Forgiveness might even come in time. I
can become acquainted with myself and learn what new things I enjoy doing now
to replace my old hobbies. (Something new I’ve discovered – I love lifting
weights!) And if I can find inner peace and catch water droplets and let them
roll off me into a stream like Po can, then that’s all the more awesome.
