Forgiveness and the Atonement – Kung Fu Panda 2 style

This last week, I’ve thought over and over about forgiveness and the atonement. I’ve always been taught that the atonement brings peace, whether you’re repenting of sins, or needing comfort for any reason. But I know that the mental and emotional scars from being raped will never go away.

I used to love sitting in silence and dreaming up stories to tell. Sometimes I would write them down as I thought of them and it thrilled me to create something new. I loved to share my stories with my sister. Some days, we would stay up late giggling and reading from my story notebooks. Smart phones and facebook were not really part of my life. My spare time was spent with a notebook and pencil. Sometimes, I’d even practice drawing. I was getting pretty good at it before Kameron.

Now, I can’t sit in silence without inevitably thinking about the past. As I’ve been driving to and from school lately, I find myself thinking about all the times I was assaulted and raped and I always think “I hope he goes to hell and suffers for eternity.” I can’t write my stories or draw without triggering memories of Kameron. In fact, I haven’t finished a drawing since I was dating Kameron. 

I get so frustrated when I try to start doing these things that I used to love. I avoid sitting in silence and being left to my own thoughts by constantly having my phone out and facebook pulled up. I used to think I was addicted to facebook but have since realized I’m defending myself from drowning in my memories. I don’t feel like I’ve found peace.

I spent Sunday trying to figure out how I could forgive and find peace. I wrote down my questions regarding the atonement and forgiveness. How do you forgive someone for something that continues to affect you every day and will never fully heal? How do you use the atonement to find peace for something you will never have peace from? Is it more about making peace with the fact that you will never be healed from the mental and emotional wounds? Do I need to wait for Christ to come and teach me how to truly forgive and find peace? Will I find peace in this life? While I still don’t know all the answers, I feel like I’m getting closer.

A friend reminded me about Kung Fu Panda 2, which is all about Po’s search for inner peace.  In the movie, the villain, a peacock, thinks that Po will not be able to defeat him because Po will never find inner peace because his emotional scars are too deep. But Po finds inner peace anyways by coming to terms with the fact that he is scarred and that’s ok. I think that is how the atonement applies to me.

In terms of my journey to heal, the atonement is there to help me remember that I will be whole – someday. That in the meantime, I can find peace in knowing that my reality is a scarred reality and it’s ok. I can find peace in knowing that my experiences help shape who I am and I can be better for it, even when it tortures me. Forgiveness might even come in time. I can become acquainted with myself and learn what new things I enjoy doing now to replace my old hobbies. (Something new I’ve discovered – I love lifting weights!) And if I can find inner peace and catch water droplets and let them roll off me into a stream like Po can, then that’s all the more awesome.  

The never before told story of how KC and I started dating and got engaged or Why Kc is the freakin’ love of my life

I have always told a much-edited version of how KC and I got engaged. Much edited. Because of this, I’m sure it was never clear to anyone why the way he proposed was the perfect way. The story I’ve told goes something like this.

I was in town visiting KC in July. We’d been dating for 2 months. He planned a fun date heading up to scout camp for the last flag ceremony (I think that’s what it was. My memory on that is a little hazy.) After everything was over, we headed home and got to talking about stuff. We got back to my parents and decided to keep talking out on the lawn on a blanket. The moment felt right and he whispered to me, asking me to marry him. I wasn’t sure I heard him right and made him repeat the question. I grinned and said yes. Here we are today.

Obviously, this story is missing the details regarding why the moment felt right. Here’s a hint. It wasn’t because “romance” or whatever. But I should back up to when we started dating.

Now, I’m going to skip a lot of details because otherwise this story would be a freaking novel. Suffice to say that we went out on two dates in two days, then I bugged him until he came over to hang out with my family the third day, a Sunday. At this point, I knew I liked him, but thanks to freaking chastity lessons (used up gum/licked twinkie lessons, “no one will want you” kind of things), I felt that I had to disclose parts of my past so that he could make an informed decision. (I wish I had known that NOBODY has any business knowing my sexual history if I don't want them to know.) So, I shared with him that I had had sex with an ex-boyfriend in the past. He didn’t care at all and we started dating. As he was leaving that night, he asked permission to kiss me. That was my first hint that I had made the right choice in choosing to date him. Later that week, he asked permission to hold my hand.

I have been more open about my story in the last year, but in case you somehow missed it, let me add a few things right here. I was raped many many times by an ex-boyfriend, Kameron. It started out with a lack of affirmative consent, but when I finally started to fight back and say no, he forcibly held me down and raped me. After that relationship, I felt broken and unlovable. This was made worse by all my next boyfriends, who, upon me disclosing my sexual past (though I didn’t realize that it was rape yet, so all they knew was that I had had sex), would all push my boundaries and touch my breasts and vagina. They never asked permission and I didn’t know I could say no, nor did I know that it was sexual assault. I always felt violated but I thought it must have been my fault somehow.

KC asked permission before even kissing me, even though we were officially dating. Knowing that I wasn’t a virgin, he never once pushed my boundaries or made me uncomfortable. Two months into our relationship, I was starting to realize that I had been raped before. On the ride down the mountain the night we got engaged, I broke down crying and told KC about the rape and abuse I experienced during the last month of my relationship with Kameron. I realized just this weekend that I broke down crying and told KC about it because I knew I could trust him. I knew I could be vulnerable and he would never take advantage of it. Sitting on the blanket outside my parents’ home, I felt like I was starting to be whole again. That was the moment KC surprised us both by proposing. He knew it was the right moment and he went for it.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without KC. I am healing because he has shown me what a relationship should be like. He encourages me to make myself happy. He pushes me to succeed in my goals and dreams in life. He reassures me when I'm doubting myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. I have changed so much since I started dating him. I have become who I’ve always wanted to be.